Rough Draft

Let the Northern Lights Erase My Family
Just like that I am gone for the world. One heart attack and I’m done. Hopefully my Clarissa and Jeremy will be able to care for themselves. Clarissa is a strong woman and will not let this take her down and she will care of Jeremy. If not, I know Pankaj will do anything for Clarissa; he absolutely adores her and he is a good man. If only their mother…
I watch as the funeral proceeds and wonder if Jeremy understands what has happened. Soon he will be returned to the Home for Retarded Adults where he is comfortable and Clarissa and Pankaj can relax and take in the new situation. Looking down at the funeral audience I see one person missing and a part of my heart goes out to her. Why did she ever leave me? I thought I did everything right. I loved her in the best way I could. I suppose it is Olivia’s style; her way of living. I can’t continue to hold this against her. Maybe, not that I want this to be true, she is dead. We held a funeral for her after she left us, convincing people she had simply died, so maybe she did. Maybe I will find her and see her here in heaven. However, she will probably run away from me, yet again.

Pankaj and Clar return home, to my home, to her childhood. She relaxes as Pankaj starts a fire, but I can see worry in her face. She quickly gets up and heads toward my study, originally Olivia’s. Clarissa begins rummaging through the drawers and pulls out my address book. She quickly realizes that I hadn’t placed her address under Iverton, but under the ABC section for Clar. It’s where my daughter belongs. After reading through her long list of addresses, she moves on, opening and closing desk drawers.
She finds old papers and random knick-knacks, briefly looking at each. Finally she hits the bottom drawer. I watch as she takes out the manila folder. Anyone would be able to tell that the Clarissa’s written across the front was Olivia’s handwriting. She begins shifting through the folder, pulling out report cards and notes from school, watercolor paintings, and other childhood memories. I smile to myself as I remember her younger days, wishing desperately to go back to how things were when she was young; before her mother left.
I force myself to stop daydreaming and watch as she pulls out another piece of paper. As she reads, I read too. And it hit me. I realize in an instant things would change. Clarissa starts to panic and clears the desk. I should have known better, I should have told her. None of this was going to end well. I watch as she reads the birth certificate over and over again, hoping to understand what it says. I want to reach down and grab Clar into my arms and hold her tight. I wish with all my heart and soul and yet there is nothing I can possibly do.
Clarissa makes her way to the shower in shock, not ready to accept what is happening. This is too much for her, I need to be there. This is my fault. Pankaj finds her sitting in the shower, soaking wet and takes care of her, like he should. She eventually is put into her old twin bed from her younger days. I can only assume going through her head trying to make sense of everything and come up with an answer. I just continue to watch her lay there, wanting so badly to tell her everything. Father’s are supposed to protect their children from hurt, I should have warned her. But I thought I was protecting her, by keeping it from her.
Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted when Clarissa’s voice pierced them. “He should have told me.”
Pankaj stared and answered, “He was protecting you. He—“
“He was a liar.”
The words cut through my heart. Am I supposed to feel once I’m dead? My heart is in pain. My poor Clar thinks I’ve lied to her all this time, when I only wanted to protect her. Now she wants the truth, but if she hadn’t found the envelope she never would have known. I am dead and my daughter hates me. A few hours later, after fighting with myself and finding a new hate for myself, my thoughts are interrupted again, only this time by Pankaj.
“Are you awake?”
I see Clarissa move a little and she answers yes.
“I knew.”
“You knew what?” Clarissa responds.
“I knew about Richard. That he wasn’t your real dad.”
My thoughts explode. Pankaj knows? How could he possibly know? There is only one way he could know and that is from Olivia. How could she burden him with something like this?
Clarissa pushes on, “How long have you known?”
“A long time.”
“Like days?”
“Long. Since we were—“
“Engaged?”
I can hear in Clarissa’s voice that she is getting frustrated.
“Teenagers,” Pankaj responds
“What? How?”
“Your mom told me.”
Those words stop me. I begin to think back to Olivia and how much pain she caused our family and now this? After my death? She is behind all of this. She always is. She will never stop haunting my children’s lives.
I catch the end of the conversation and feel almost a shift in the universe. I know my daughter and I can tell she is closing herself off. She has always had some of her mother in her; I have always been hoping it would just be the good. Unfortunately, I feel this time it is going to be different.

I watch as she leaves her loved ones. Pankaj has no idea what is happening, poor guy didn’t even have a chance. Clarissa learned all of this from her mother. Olivia broke my heart one hundred times over, yet I still love her. A woman like that you can’t simply forget.
My thoughts begin to drift as Clarissa makes her journey across the seas. I think about Olivia and the stupid cat she loved so much. How could a woman love a cat, a stray cat for that matter, and not love a man who did everything to make her happy? Everyone was always fighting for her attention: family and friends. Yet the stupid cat managed to win. I wonder what happened to that cat. Did it finally get the shaft from Olivia and run away because it didn’t want to fight for attention or did it just die?
Even thought my thoughts wander, I keep an eye on Clar, making sure she is being careful about everything. Careless Clarissa manages to pick up the best trouble she can find, but she can always get out of it. I see once she arrives at Helsinki, a man by the name of Kari is the bus driver and once at the hotel, he is an employee. He seems to be harmless enough, but she is on foreign land and needs to be careful. Of course, I had been waiting for it; he asks her out for the evening.
Not wanting to really know what my daughter is doing that night, I pull myself away and begin to think of Clarissa’s real father, Eero Valkeapaa. I know Clarissa is on a mission now, she wants to find her real father. I just can’t stand to think that someone is going to replace me. I know I’m gone, but I only hope my daughter can realize I am the man who raised her, I am her dad. I can’t hate her for doing this though. She deserves to know who he is, what kind of man he is, and I know she will ask about her mother. Damn Olivia always creeps up from the past somehow.

Days pass and finally Eero Valkeapaa is no longer a name. Clarissa has found him. She first saw him in a church, which I suppose I’m please. He must be a good man, respectable at the very least. He better treat my girl right and answer her questions. Olivia never gave me much to go off of, so I suppose I want the answers as well.
Of course Eero is the perfect man. I listened to their whole conversation and if Olivia would have stayed with him they would have a wonderful life her. Clarissa would have been happy. I only can hope that she was better off with me. I am so blessed to have her in my life. I feel for Eero as well. He loved Olivia, fell for her spell, just as I did. She left him too, just like she left me. That woman knows who to break hearts, all over the world apparently.